Donut power rankings
The Tigers have been furiously promoting a very exciting appearance by my corporeal host. Check it out:
— Detroit Tigers (@tigers) January 23, 2013
So come on out and pick up a donut (or “doughnut” for you snobs out there)! But what kind of donut you might ask? I am here to help you with the donut power rankings. BOOM, DROPPING KNOWLEDGE!
10. Cinnamon twist – Sure, there are worse choices, but when you show up in the lunch room late and all that is left is a mangled cinnamon twist you have the right to be disappointed. Something about the shape makes it dry out faster leaving a distinctive Styrofoam texture.
9. Bear Claw – The problem with the bear claw is that you never quite know what you are getting. As a colorblind-american I feel like donuts should have a distinct flavor with a distinct shape. People just put whatever the heck they want on a bear claw – peanuts, cinnamon, walnuts, apples, or heaven forbid raisins.
8. Pumpkin – There is something wonderful about the texture of a pumpkin donut. Earthy and thick. I like my pumpkin donuts with a lot of warm spices like nutmeg and cloves. The only problem with the pumpkin donut is really only appropriate in the fall. Eating a pumpkin donut in the spring time is against federal law.
7. Plain glazed – True connoisseurs only want the ideal form of the thing: vanilla ice cream, black coffee, and in our case the plain glazed donut. If I order a plan glazed I want the more yeasty, fluffy Krispy Kreme style and not the cake-like version popular in the north. There is a place for cake-like but the plain glazed is not it. The plain glazed can be a train wreck when not executed properly, but when done right it puts all the other donuts with their fancy embellishments to shame.
6. Apple cider – Simple: go to an orchard, eat apple cider donuts, pick 10lbs of apples you’ll let rot because you never use them, enjoy the good life. (a true apple cider donut should have crystallized sugared coating)
5. Chocolate glazed – It’s indulgent. You see the box. Your eyes meet the chocolate glazed beauty. You know you shouldn’t. You do. You cry from the guilt.
4. Sour cream glazed – Crack is addictive. The perfect sour cream glazed has that crack that runs around the top, seductively catching extra globs of glaze. The entire key to the sour cream glazed is the texture. This is where you want cake-like. You want sugar so fierce you have to have a cup of coffee to even digest it.
3. Maple fried cinnamon – I had a hard time finding a photo of this one. Does the world not know about maple glazed fried cinnamon donuts? Pull it together people! A proper fried cinnamon has NO HOLE but is flat and covered with a thick (almost frosting like) glaze. The little veins of cinnamon throughout the donut accent a light, yeasty consistency. This is the one donut where it is acceptable to have nuts on top.
2. Apple fritter – Oh those little mounds and crevices just begging you to rip them apart and put them in your mouth (never grasp an entire apple fritter and bite into it, always rip apart). So sweet, so gooey, so perfect. Don’t even dare put any chocolate or other accouterments on this one, the joy is all in the body.
1. Chocolate frosted Bavarian cream long john – Forget that scene from Van Wilder, we all know this is the king of donuts and donut technology. It has everything: chocolate, a puffy body, and an injection of delicious, smooth cream. Don’t even think about compromising and going for the fake, sugary filling. It must be Bavarian cream (preferable from Bavaria and made by real Bavarians). It’s big, it’s indulgent, it’s sweet. It is everything a donut should be.