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Revisionist History

October 4, 2012

In March I published THIS POST in which I gazed into my crystal balls and divined all that was to occur in the 2012 season. Let’s see if my balls were fuzzy.

The 5th starter spot will be occupied by no less than 5 pitchers throughout the year. There is not one candidate strong enough to put a strangle hold on the spot. It will be too tempting for Dombrowski to pull up the hot minor league pitcher to give it a try. These are young guys with options, it will be a revolving door. You thought I was bad last year? I wasn’t. Just wait.

Boy was I wrong here. Drew Smyly did an outstanding job the first part of the year until he got hurt with the blister and then with a right intercostal strain. Turner, Crosby, Wilk, and Below all did make starts until the arrival of Sanchez, but it wasn’t the dumpster fire I had projected.

Miguel Cabrera will be uniformly praised for his below average defense. It’s amazing how driving in runs creates latitude. He’ll make a really nice play with a bullet throw in game number 3. People will remember this for months and forgive him for his multitude of slow roller misplays.

The first two sentences here are deadly accurate. I’m sure the last two are too. Let’s just assume.

Andy Dirks will hit a ball deep into the right field corner. He’ll assume it was caught and walk back to the dug out. Matt Joyce will casually throw him out at first base. Justin Verlander will throw a goofy pitch that goes toward first base and picks off runner.

Boy, these references don’t seem timely at all anymore.  Fail.

Rod Allen will discuss eating sehr gut schnitzel with Herr Scherzer and will have to issue an apology the next day.

I don’t think we had any gaffs from Mr. Allen this year. Rod win, PCB Fail

Fans will cheer Brandon Inge passionately

Boy was I right about this one! I didn’t say what fans. Oakland has fans. A few anyway.

Fans will boo Brandon Inge lustily

Did they ever.

The Tigers prepare to release Fu-te Ni, but reconsider at the last minute after considering the possibility of losing a quality bit at DesigNateRobertson.

To Rogo’s dismay, they let Mr Fu-te go.

Doug Fister will throw a 122 pitch no-hitter. In the aftermath Doug will have to answer 232 questions about Justin Verlander and his no-hitters.

No no-no for Doug. But he did set the AL record for consecutive strike outs! Do I get partial credit?

Prince Fielder will hit a ball into the camera well in deep center. Tom Gage will estimate it traveled 711 feet.

It was actually Miguel who hit one into the camera well, but Prince did hit THIS bomb.

After 30 games Delmon Young will lead the team in home runs and face meltingly hideous errors.

No and yes.

A fan will lean way over the wall along the 3rd base line trying to get a ball.  This will cause his pants to droop and his butt to be exposed which Cabrera will instinctively play like a set of bongo drums.

Not quite. But remember that play early in the season where he caught a a foul pop up and rolled over backward? Nice.

Rod Allen will re-popularize the catchphrase “Heavens to Murgatroyd!” when Danny Worth hits a walk off grand slam.

No. Danny did have 3 RBIs though!

At Comerica Park Justin Verlander will strike out Adam Dunn 4 times in one game. No reporters will ask him about this unremarkable accomplishment after the game.

Dunn was 0-3 against Verlander this year with a GIDP.

Alex Avila will bat .210 in April and after a talk with Rod Allen will switch to this bat:from there on out he will hit .325

The good news is Alex actually batted .220 in April. The bad news is must have never switched his bat as he hit .243 for the year.

Shannon Hogan will interview a fan who has no idea that he is at a baseball game and he’ll mutter incoherently into the microphone. Shannon will have no choice but to force a laugh and confidently proclaim, “back to you in the booth!”

Aside from her phone cases, there wasn’t too much goofiness from Shannon. But, remember the couple that got engaged at the park and then caught a foul ball later in the game? Brain Matters may have a more in depth report on that later this off season.

Brandon Inge will hit .275 with 19 home runs while playing amazing defense at 2nd base to get serious consideration for the All-star game. He’ll end up in the final vote where the Tigers marketing folks will partner with the Braves candidate Jair Jurrjens to encourage people to vote for “Injens”. Confused Cleveland voters put them both into the game.

WOW WOW WOW was this terrible. Inge “scuffled” mightily for the Tigers. He hit .100 in 20 plate appearances (wow, seemed like a lot more) with the Tigers and was released.  Jurrjens got sent to the minors. Awful.

Jose Valverde will blow a save 20 games into the season after giving up a no doubt home run. Freep will feature “Mashed Potato” headline.

Papa Grande didn’t even get through the season opener without a blown save and had 5 blown saves and one spitball incident on the season. Don’t remember any cheesy potato related headlines though.

Men all over Michigan throw up as it is revealed that the 3rd Fox Sports Detroit Girl is really a Fox Sports Detroit dude.

This has not been disproven since the 3rd Fox Sports Detroit Girl seems to have vaporized into thin air.

Gene Lamont will do a terrific job as the third base coach and fans will respect him for his wisdom and sound judgement until the second game of the season.


Cabrera will be the subject of 48 post game interviews. Fans will understand 1.3% of what he says.

Completely accurate.

Samara at Roar of the Tigers publishes 3 different cartoons featuring Prince Fielder’s kids.

Nope, but there was this:

Gerald Laird will hit .179. No one will care.

Again, outrageously wrong. G$ hit .282 and people noticed he was really very good!

Due to an increase in the number of returning military veterans there will be a special ceremony to take the game ball out of the box, a ceremony to bring the ball out of the dugout, a ceremony to bring it to the foul line, and a ceremony to bring it from the foul line to the mound. Fans will stand and vigorously applaud each stage of the ball’s journey.

Meh, they weren’t all very good predictions.

Tigers win 95 games and cruise to the division championship. Royals finish 12 games back. Bill Simonson bitches then entire season claiming that with a proper manager and good lineups we should finish 25 games ahead.

We ended up winning 88 games and didn’t exactly “cruise” to the division championship.  The Royals actually finished 16 back (nevermind the WhiteSox finished 3 back). In my safest prediction “Huge” did, in fact,  do exactly as expected.


2 Comments leave one →
  1. October 5, 2012 2:40 pm

    Well done.

  2. Alex permalink
    October 5, 2012 2:50 pm

    You sir, are the best brain ever.

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