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Sack o’ Mail!

August 31, 2012

How about something new at Brain Matters? No? Well screw you, we’re doing it anyway! It’s my f’ing blog!

Alright! Time to open up the ol’ sack o’ mail and see what we got here!

Ok, well, there were a few letters hiding in the bottom, I promise.  The good news is everyone gets a response! That’s super fun! HaHa!

Here we go!

@PhilCokesBrain ~ your body is pitching so bad! WTF?!?! Get yourself a slump buster or something!!! -@MattPolisei

Thanks for the question Matt, even though I’m not sure WTF counts as a question (we are a little desperate this week, HAha ha). As for the what in WTF, you can review the obviously unacceptable conditions the bod has to pitch under. As for the slump buster I am am a married man, no slump busters for me, buster. It is interesting however that when men cheat on their wives it is not usually with a more attractive woman, but some dud.  So if I were to cheat, probability would dictate that it would be with a fat, ugly woman. Hell, Tiger Woods hooked up with a host of hoes when he’s married to a Swedish supermodel. Why does this phenomenon exist? Men. That’s why.

@PhilCokesBrain ~ If Phil coke leaves Detroit will you, as his brain, stay with him or with Detroit? – @davidjblaine

Not a real spontaneous guy, are you David? I bet when you plan a road trip you Google your route and look on the state’s DOT website to investigate the location and the amount of the tolls, then go to the bank and get exact change to place in prelabled envelopes so you’ll be ready when you arrive at each toll. That’s weak. Just have to jam some cash in your wallet (which must be greater than 1.5” in thickness [#twss]) and hit the road.

@PhilCokesBrain ~ Do we need to have you tested for extra testosterone? – @Leonidas4423

Ah yes, testosterone. We always hear about low testosterone or injecting more into your body Melky style, but have we ever considered the opposite? What if, in fact, a man’s nuts were supercharged to crank out way more of the magical stuff? Would we instantly be destined to appear on some World’s Strongest Man tape delayed circus on ESPN4? Yes, the answer is yes. And since my name is not Magnus and I’m not of Scandinavian descent it is logically impossible that my testosterone levels are too high. No need to be tested.

But what about the opposite? Check out THIS ARTICLE. Go ahead, I’ll wait, do it. I think we’ve discovered something important. I quote, “Testosterone levels drop when men become fathers, and they are lowest for the most devoted dads, new research shows.” So my problem is that I’m too devoted too my kid! This must be why Urban Meyer is such a good coach! He doesn’t give two squirts of testosterone laden piss about his kids and wins all the time. Maybe your namesake, King Leonidas, was right. Just leave your little kids out in the elements and let them fight off a wolf or something. Father and son, if they live, will both develop into raw-beating-heart-eating warriors and that’s exactly what we are looking for, aren’t we?
Also did you see the name of the doctor quoted at the end of the article?! Peter B. Gray! LOL. Nothing like hearing about the mellowing of your man muscle from a doc named Peter B. Gray. I just imagine a wiener under his care shriveling up and loosing all its color as the testosterone fades. Eventually a little frowny face appears on the tip. So sad.

If there were ever just a single sammich left on the Tigers’ post-game spread, resulting in a tumbleweed showdown between Prince and Cabrera…what’s Leyland’s strategy?

Lando – (@LandoBC75)

You watch too many movies Lando.

First, this is the big leagues, son. Sammiches rain down like manna from heaven. And if we ever see the person who put them there they are fired on the spot and then shot in the face. A true clubbie is never seen. He must be very, very sneeky like Mr. Deeds butler. Things must appear just as the notion of needing them enters a player’s mind.

Second, Skip’s too concerned about getting his shoes off and munching on a sammich of his own. This isn’t some wedding reception where we all fake manners for one night and wait for everyone else to be served. Hell no, you just chow down.

Third, they aren’t monsters, they’d probably just cut the sammich in half and hug each other.

If the Tigs’ bullpen were a band, who’s on what? Are you Lutheran? Come on, you’re Lutheran, right? Right?


I’ll answer your question with a question Erik. How many bands do you know where you can name all the members of the band, which instrument they play, and even the tiniest amount of information about their personality? (And no, Chris Tomlin and his band do NOT count) . That’s right, exactly one, the Beatles. If you know more than that you are some music nerd who hates everything anyone normal has ever heard of and wears knit stocking caps in August.

But, in an effort to answer your question I would say Papa Grande is the harmonica guy from Blues Traveler, Benoit is Enrique Inglesias, Dotel is Eddie Vedder, Villarreal is Justin Timberlake, Downs is Billy Ray Cyrus, and I’m Celine Dion because she’s just so amazing.

Am I a Lutheran? Those are real? I thought Lutherans are just something Garrison Keillor made up to tell his boring stories about Minnesota. Kinda like George Lucas made up Ewoks to make Endor a bit more interesting. Why not ask me if I’m a hobbit! (no, I’m not, but I have my doubts about Will Rhymes). Not only am I not a Lutheran I don’t even know how I would go about talking to one. Do you just walk up to a Lutheran and be like, “Hey, how about those theses huh? Those are cool right!?” I just hope so, I’ve been doing that for 5 or 6 years now. Plus don’t Lutherans take communion like every week? Those carbs go right to my tummy. Besides, I would totally distinguish between a resistible, outward call to salvation given to all who hear the free offer of the gospel, and an efficacious, inward work by the Holy Spirit. Duh.

And that’s it for PCB’s giant sack o’ mail! We’ll try again another time where we can throw out a few of the crappy letters!

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