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Let’s Give Them Something to Talk About

May 12, 2012

Over the last week we have heard more about Chuck Inge than any person in a country that values human rights should have to. He needed a change of scenery, he really wanted to play third, he need the fans to get off his back. Talk, talk, talk.  More on the home front, it has been lack of offense that gets everyone worked up. Raburn can’t hit, Young looks lost, even Prince looks very human. And how about that bullpen?! Octavio can’t throw strikes and Valverde is doing his best Todd Jones impression. But there have been other story lines that haven’t gotten as much attention lately. Let’s take a look:

  • Miguel Cabrera can play third base: Remember when the national articles were floating around saying Prince or Miguel would be back to DHing after the first month? Cabrera can play third. He can field a slow roller. He can make an occasional diving play. He has a gun for an arm. He’s not perfect, he misses one from time to time, but well within the parameters for a legitimate big league third baseman.
  • Austin Jackson’s retooled approach is working: Don’t get me wrong, he’s still not a perfect lead off guy. He swings and misses way too much, but many more of his swings are turning into hits. I don’t think people are giving him enough love for being a steady offensive player and terrific in the outfield.
  • Chilean Miners: Remember when we watched the triumph of the human spirit as one by one desperate miners were raised to the surface of the earth to see the sunlight once again? Shoot, Zach Miner returned to the organization and there wasn’t one single reference. Shameful really.
  • Prince Fielder is bad defensively: Maybe this isn’t making news because he’s always been bad. He kicked one tonight that made me want to scream.
  • Microwaves: You put your food in a box for ONE MINUTE and it becomes HOT. Do you not know how amazing this is?! There are millions of people in the world right now scavenging for sticks to burn in an OPEN FIRE INSIDE THEIR “HOUSE” only to use pitiful fire to cook food on FOR HOURS while breathing in the disgusting smoke. Even in America 50 years ago people had to use a STOVE like freekin’ cavemen to make food hot. Plus, microwaves are cheap! You have to be pretty poor not to have a damn microwave. Just roll into any Thrift Store and pick one up for $4. The amazing think is the damn thrift store microwave WILL WORK! How many cell phones have you gone through since the last time you had to replace a microwave because it wasn’t working? And think of the new market for food the microwave has created: popcorn, chicken nuggets, burritos, hot pockets, and of course PIZZA ROLLS! How can an item so amazing as to give us pizza rolls be this over looked. Seems wrong.

    It heats your food!

  • Andy Dirks: Remember in spring training when there was an unironic debate over whether to keep Andy or Clete up with the big league team. That seems laughable now. Andy is the closest thing we have to a five tool player. He’s given the team a huge boost batting in the second hole and seems much less susceptible to the streakyness we see from Boesch and Raburn.
  • The Gulf Oil Spill: 4.9 million barrels of oil poured into the waters of the Gulf of Mexico. Think I give a shit? Nope. By the way, where did all that oil go? Maybe Jack Black sprayed some Va-poo-rize on it or something. The only remnant of the spill is that commercial with that female african-american government official reminding people that they should make up some bullshit allegation about trauma and depression to get some money.
  • Fifth Starter: There is no debate about the performance of Drew Smyly. He has been excellent. I mistakenly predicted in this very blog that the fifth starter spot would be a struggle all year. I was more wrong than Lloyd McClendon in a thong. If anything Smyly has stabilized the club in what has been a very unbalanced in the last couple of weeks.
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One Comment leave one →
  1. May 14, 2012 9:08 am

    The only thing more wrong that McClendon in a thong would be Lamont in a thong.

    How’s your appetite now laughing boy?

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