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February 16, 2012

When Phil Coke’s Brain was birthed on Twitter almost one year ago I could have never imagined what would become of it. I was messing around when I saw the work of one @zumayaselbow and the concept gave me a smile. I wondered how perfect it would be to have all the things that Phil Coke says, or WOULD say if he could, streamed live via the internet. It didn’t seem like it would be too difficult and so here we are. I’ve been doling half-sensical things for a full season now and this blog was added a few months ago as an extension of my twitter feed. If you are looking for real information and quality writing you have come to the wrong place. Try Beck or Iott.

My first followers were hard-core Tiger uber-nerds who were ready to soak up anything Tigers related. From there things just started to snowball and I’ve done more random things. For example, after tweeting nonsense during the Grammys I made reference to the group “The Civil Wars” being @oldhossradbourn’s favorite act. (you see, cause he tweets about the Civil War and the group is called “The Civil Wars”…har har) The next morning @johnpaulwhite the male half of the group The Civil Wars retweets this and makes a comment. Where else can a random disembodied brain enter the consciousness of a multiple Grammy winner? Come to find out he’s a baseball fan and had been following me before that tweet. The only thing that made me smile more is when I learned Patrick Leyland showed his dad this video. The internet is a magical place I tell you.

In case you are a newer follower what goes on here might need a bit of explanation. I always feature Detroit Tigers baseball first, followed closely thereafter by general merrymaking. If you’ve gotten somehow entangled here by some non-Tigers means, or you follow the team irregularly (you should get that checked out btw) there are some things that might need a bit of explanation. As Spring Training is about to dawn, now is the time to reset the cast of characters so everyone has a basic understanding of what we are working with. In order to do this I need to be a bit like the anti-joke chicken and stick to the facts, so bear with me.

Andy Dirks is a 4th outfielder type for the Tigers. He recently performed heroically in Caribbean winter ball and has been labeled “Just a ballplayer” after his repeated self-references as such. The most important part about Andy Dirks, however, is that he has a tremendously thick neck.

Austin Jackson is the only fast player on the Tigers. He strikes out all the time.

Ramon Santiago has “sneaky power” because he doesn’t have power.

Jose Valverde is the closer who likes to celebrate on the mound after big outs. His nickname is “Papa Grande” which is Spanish for “Big Potato”

Joaquin Benoit had a large band-aid on his face that became a point of contention for Joe Girardi in the play offs.

Brennan Boesch is from Santa Monica, California as is Tiger’s TV colorman Rod Allen. He sometimes exhibits stereotypical California “bro” type behavior and has luscious hair. He was out the end of last year with a bum wrist.

Delmon Young is the younger brother of former Tiger Dmitri Young. Evidently Dmitri absorbed all the personality out of their mother’s womb before Delmon got any. Delmon doesn’t walk very often and has a habit of curling his tongue awkwardly while he bats which is very disconcerting. He also plays lousy defense thus earning him the name Elmon (no D).

David Pauly came to Detroit in the mid-season trade with Seattle that also brought us Doug Fister. Because he was overshadowed by Fister and Leyland used him so rarely no one knows who he is.

Doug Fister’s last name is Fister

Max Scherzer has one blue eye and two brown eyes (if you count the one…nevermind.)

Brandon Inge is the Tigers 2nd baseman. If you have questions about him just ask any Detroit area woman at a Walmart.

Justin Verlander was dominant and earned both the Cy Young and MVP among numerous other awards. He also appeared on Conan and professed his love for Taco Bell.

Gerald Laird was on a World Series winner last year but had limited playing time. He throws with four fingers.

Alex Avila has thick, dark facial hair. He’s taken a lot of physical abuse and keeps on playing. He’s the son of Assistant General Manager Al Avila

Carlos Guillen and Magglio Ordonez: Fragile vets, both have moved on.

Ryan Raburn is a defensive mess and can’t hit until August. People insist on spelling his name incorrectly as Rayburn.

Brad Penny is now in Japan and is extremely slow

Lynn Henning is a newspaper report who everyone likes to pick on. We make jokes about him being old.

Danny Worth has a big chin and is a lot of fun on twitter.

Will Rhymes is now with the Rays and is very small.

Rick Porcello is a pimp and gets ground balls.

Jason Beck is the Tigers beat reporter for His business like approach and over all quality earn him THIS kind of treatment.

Rod Allen has catchphrases and his own drinking game.

Mario Impemba is solid and puts up with Rod.

MLive is a website with lots of Detroit sports content where the comments are stupid. “Mliver” is shorthand for a big mouthed idiot who doesn’t know anything. This happens despite the overall quality of the stories.

Jim Leyland smokes and loves Don Kelly passionately

Gene Lamont the third base coach and gets ignored. He was passed over for the Red Sox manager job this off-season.

Prince Fielder is big and is former Tiger Cecil Fielder’s son. The two don’t get along.

Jhonny Peralta spells his name funny

Miguel Cabrera had a slight bump in the road with some drinking last off-season. He is really good at playing baseball.

Don Kelly can be mediocre at anything. Rogo picks on Donnie because, well…why not?

The Fox Sports Detroit girls are pretty and spout platitudes. They are basically a cross between a mascot and can of hairspray. They have counterparts at all the regional Fox sports next work. These girls are stamped out at the old Ford plant in Wixom.

The PCB girls are inspired by the FSDetroit girls but are smarter and a lot more fun. They are @notlindsay @wendy_lynn and @shan_cake.

Phil Coke gets the bulk of attention here because he is my corporeal host. Some basics:

Phil points up to the sky at any fly ball, ostensibly to help his fielders catch the ball.

There was a story out early last season about how Phil and then-Tiger and Australian Brad Thomas would hang out. We even learned that they went to a movie together on their day off in New York.

Phil is from California and is a graduate of San Joaquin Delta College

At last year’s Tigersfest Phil disclosed that he stays in shape in the off-season by clearing limbs and underbrush to prevent forest fires.

Phil is just a goofy guy and says random things.

Phil is left-handed.

Phil started out as a starter last year, but after some very bad luck and a stint on the DL with a sprained ankle he went back to the bullpen.

Phil got married this off-season after a trip to Taiwan. (please understand any references to personal life are totally my invention and shouldn’t reflect on poor Phil at all. Thanks)

So there you have it.  You now have the basic equipment to participate in Detroit Tiger memes. Congratulations?

8 Comments leave one →
  1. hetobeto permalink
    February 16, 2012 10:33 pm

    Danny Worth doesn’t have “a big chin”…he has a Very Strong Jaw. This can be abbreviated as DVSJ. Perhaps it’s also an extension of the Myers Briggs personality test.

    And our winter ball rock star is Ondy-Der!

  2. HighOPS permalink
    February 16, 2012 10:45 pm

    I wonder what the Prince Fielder meme will be.

  3. February 17, 2012 9:56 am

    Also Will Rhymes strongly resembles Frodo Baggins.

    • HawkeyeEdward permalink
      February 17, 2012 10:34 am

      Which would make Danny Worth Sam?

  4. JenR permalink
    February 17, 2012 10:58 am

    LOL, love it, yet I get no love in the PCB girls? Dang. No love.

  5. February 19, 2012 1:38 pm

    Looks like a lot of BYB folks hang out here. Maybe I oughtta, too.

  6. February 20, 2012 2:12 am

    //Evidently Dmitri absorbed all the personality out of their mother’s womb before Delmon got any.//

    There were tears—OF LAUGHTER.

  7. Mike (Is Bored) permalink
    February 21, 2012 9:23 am

    A couple of months ago a Phillies fan I follow (and occasionally talk trash with) sent me the screen shot of the conversation PCB had with Fathead. I was too surprised to ask where he got it, but damn, that is reach.

    I no longer even consider PCB to exist within the confines of the “parody” account, as it has come into its own as Twitter’s best source of Tigers-related comedy. (Sorry @FakeLeyland.) Whoever is behind the mask (and don’t think I haven’t tried to figure out that mystery), be proud of the work you do on Twitter and this blog. I, and thousands of others I’m sure, look forward to seeing what thoughts are passing through Phil’s entertaining and obviously complex brain in the coming season(s).

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