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Wait for it… wait for it…

February 9, 2012

The wait is almost over. Pitchers and catchers report to spring training in a mere 10 days.  This offseason has seemed shorter to me than most for several reasons. First, we played well into October. Second, I’ve kept myself entertained by running my mouth on twitter. Finally, a trip to Taiwan and a marriage tend to keep a body occupied. It seemed like a pretty quick 3+ months.  But there are other times in life were the moments just seem to drag by. You stare at the clock, you drum your fingers, you play angry birds and time still stands still.  Here are a few of those times, organized by actual duration.

Waiting: The longest ________ of your life.

1 second – the time between when you push send on your cellphone after zipping your johnson up in your pants and when the 911 operator answers

2 Second – the time between when you push the button on your remote and your satellite box changes the channel

3 seconds – the time after you point to a flyball but before it is caught

10 seconds – Prince running out a ground ball

23 seconds – The time between the ringing of the bullpen phone and the signal to warm up

1 minute – Nachos cooking in the microwave. Let me eat you already!

2 1/2 minutes – A red light when you are late for the game

3 1/2 minutes – The time it takes the cop to come to your window after pulling you over

4 minutes – Waiting for the pizza to cool off. (I can never wait that long and I burn my freakin’ hard pallet off every damn time.)

10 minutes – when you take a dump but forget to take your phone

15 minutes – The time it takes your wife to take the damn bobby pins out of her hair on your wedding night.

25 minutes – The last 1:02 of a NBA basketball game

47 minutes – College football halftime

1 hour – Listening to your cousin talk about her fried food purchases on her recent trip to the state fair.

1 hour 30 minutes – When you are a guest in someone else’s home and you wake up before they do and you are not quite sure what to do.  You don’t want to wake them up, but you aren’t going to sleep anymore and you really need to go the the bathroom.  Should you go out to the living room or just be quiet and lay in bed until you hear them making coffee or something?

2 hours and 2 minutes – Twilight

4 hours 15 minutes – The time after you feel a serious fart coming on and the time you leave your new girlfriends apartment

8 hours – The last day of school

1 week – Waiting for the results of your gonorrhea test

1 year – The year between your 20th and 21st birthday

5 years – The time between your father’s affirmations

One lifetime – waiting to get called on stage on The Price is Right

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