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January 16, 2012

If the old saying “money doesn’t make you different, it just makes you more of who you already are” is true then you all better watch out.  Today the Tigers and my corporeal host completed a contract paying $1.1 million plus another 50k in incentives this year.  Beats working at McDonalds or in the NHL, that’s for sure.  But what to do with this money? Probably not the same thing this guy has in mind.

Then again, maybe…. No, no, of course not.

Let’s do some numbers here. Starting with $1,150,000 we first have to give Uncle Sam some – unless you want to try the Wesley Snipes route. That leaves us with 851,000. Of course my agent will want some. Let’s say 10%. Now we are down to 736,000.   Now, I suppose I should use some to pay for food and shelter. I live in California where real estate and property taxes are expensive. Let’s figure $100,000 for that. And I suppose I should keep the lights on and eat. What’s that? 25 grand? So I’m to 611,000 (I hope the Tigs are paying my health insurance!). I also need a place in Detroit to live during the season.  Let’s figure zero for that.

Unless you are Jamie Moyer the career of a MLB pitcher does not last forever. For the remaining $611,000 the most prudent choice, given my age, would be to invest in a diversified portfolio which includes quality growth stock mutual funds to ensure financial security and a comfortable retirement. HAHAHA, FAT CHANCE! LET’S PARTY, PEOPLE! SCREW DAVE RAMSEY! LETS BLOW IT!

The first thing I want is this bad boy:

I could stand there all day spinning that wheel left, spinning that wheel right. Hitting the nitros at just the right moment and avoiding those little watery holes on each side of the path. And, oh, the bliss of those pixellated boobs. They make the Fox Sports Detroit girls’ approach seem subtle.

Insert "coin"

Price tag: $1,500

Next: Wheels. Gotta have something from the Motor City naturally. I have a GMC now that I like, so I want a General Motors product for sure (plus, I like when their fountain spurts). I defiantly don’t want to be “Corvette Guy”. They seem kinda douchey and entitled. That can only mean one thing. This bad boy.

That’s a 2012 Chevrolet Camaro Zl1. I’m not a big car guy, but that looks pretty bad ass, right?!

Price tag: 54k MSRP, with custom interior and custom Tiger blue paint job we are looking at $75,000 easy.

Total 76,500

How about this Bazooka? Why? F you, that’s why! It’s an effing BAZOOKA!

Price tag: $1,500. total 78,000 (I need to find some more expensive stuff or this is going to be a long blog post)

After all this shopping I’ll need a vacation right? What’s some place good?  How about Fiji!? If it’s good enough for Truman, it’s good enough for me.

Price tag: No idea. Um…30k? Sure. Total:  108,000

I always wanted something from Hammacher Schemmer just for shits and giggles.  How about a few things?

This paddleboat Dragon thing for 5k

This Tron style light cycle for 55k

This robotic rolling beer cooler $69.95

Price tag: 60,069.95

total spent: 168,069,95

What’s next? Strolling over to the most expensive Tigers item is this Ty Cobb autographed plaque card. Sure, why not!?

Price tag: $22,500

total spent 190,569.95

Still need something more pricey. How about some jewelry for the lady in my life? This Tiffany diamond and platinum bracelet is a steal for a mere 35grrrr

total spent $155,569.95

What else? I like beer. How about a super expensive beer? This one is $800 a bottle and comes (I shit you not) in a bottle encased by a taxidermied dead squirrel or weasel.

I’ll take 10.

total spent: $163,569.95

What goes good with super expensive beer? Super expensive beef!

These Wagyu Filet Mignon cow flesh chunks from Allen Brothers cost 279.95 for a box of 4.  I’ll probably need…what? 20 boxes? Done.

total spent $169,168.95 ($441,831.05 left)

I need something more expensive if we are going to blow a year’s salary today. How about a helicopter? Heck yes! After watching all those Mission Impossible movies I know they are not super safe, but who cares! IT’S A HELICOPTER!

Here is one for sale in Michigan for a mere $435,000. I’ll take it.

Ok, I still have $6,831.05 left.  I suppose I need to buy some fuel for the chopper so that means:

$24.50 left.  I’ll buy a two hot dogs at Comerica, and that should do it.

Sorry starving African children, maybe next year.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Jeff permalink
    January 16, 2012 10:08 pm

    You know how in the late seventies they had bullpen cars -of course not you are too young. Well they did.

    You need to convince Illitch and Selig to let you use the helicopter to go from the pen to the mound. I mean the sprint thing you do is pretty cool. But, a helicopter would be the bomb.

    You could let other pitchers use it sometimes, too. Tell Daniel he can only use it after an appearance without walks. Make sure Jose only spits out the helicopter. Make sure Benoit ducks when exiting and entering.


  1. Hammacher schemmer | Asiapaccargo

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