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15 Twitter Rules to Kick Ass By

December 4, 2011

Twitter has been a terrific media for me. You don’t have to develop thoughts, use punctuation, or make sense.  Sure, I have this blog, but it’s just not the same. I have to spell and stuff.  Lame, man.  But you need to be careful with Twitter. You can’t just get a profile and start posting whatever you want! If you want to garner a middling amount of followers like yours truly you need to abide by some rules.  Smug NBC sports business reporter Darren Rovell has published a popular article – The 100 Twitter Rules To Live By. Sure, some of his suggestions are good, but I have my own rules. Use at your own risk – of success!

  1. Don’t appeal to too many people with one tweet. Keep it obscure. If someone gets it they’ll feel like they’re in a secret club.
  2. If you don’t have all the facts, who cares, just make stuff up.
  3. Know your audience. You need to try to fix them with your advice.
  4. Always stay on topic. Always stay focused. Don’t get distr…mmm…Krispy Kreme.
  5. Always kiss up to people who have more followers than you.
  6. Sprinkle words like “moist”, “erect”, and “Porcello” into your tweets to keep your reader’s attention.
  7. Develop your Twitter ego. Don’t reply to too many @ mentions or people will think you’re a beta.  Chicks aren’t into betas.
  8. Be sure to tweet when you are drunk. It will be a fountain of your best content. Record your brilliance for posterity.
  9. Hit a cold spell with your content? Insult your followers to get back on track.
  10. If someone tweets content you love. Copy and paste it into your feed as your own. This isn’t college, plagiarism is cool!
  11. If you don’t have much in the way of quality, just tweet your stream of consciousness.
  12. The quickest way to gain more followers is to ask people for retweets. If they don’t retweet you, just keep asking.
  13. People are always interested in the 4 Fs. Food, Family, Fantasy Football, and….Felines…that’s it.
  14. Is your tweet a little dry? Make up for it by using lots of hashtags.
  15. Treating people with kindness and respect is for Facebook.  No one wants to see that garbage here.

Still having trouble with Twitter? Take heart, your tweets are still better than Peter Gammons’.

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