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How Many Kindergartners Could You Beat in a Fight?

November 28, 2011

Well? How many? This question was posed on a morning radio show a while back and the question has haunted me for some time. It’s a simple question, but opinions vary greatly.  Some tough guys might say 100, some people would say, “I could never harm a beautiful child”. Ok, fair enough, for the purposes of the exercise assume they are soul-less zombie kindergarteners bent on killing you. So what’s the answer? I tend to go somewhat low considering they could attack simultaneously, attaching to your limbs and adding 50lbs after 50lbs of prepubescent rage. So, I’d go maybe 10.

The point of this introduction is that this is an event that, despite your Call of Duty feuled destruction fantasies, is not going to happen. But, it’s fun to think about right? Who doesn’t dream of taking one zombie kindergartner and swinging it around to crush the others attacking you from all sides like the Mr. Andersons attacking Neo?

So, in the spirit of stuff that we can’t really get to see for real, let’s put your favorite Detroit sports figures through their paces. The question is simple, who would win?

Enough! On t0 the tournament (this isn’t the damn BCS)! Who would win in fight? Enjoy Pokemon fans.

ROUND ONE

Jason Beck (1) vs. Jimmy Howard (16)

Evidently Jimmy Howard is some kind of ice soccer catcher or something, but let’s face it, he’s no match for Beck. Beck finds out the inside information on Howard’s weaknesses. Even with the mask and padding Howard is no match for Beck’s Blog attack.

Ryan Field (8) vs. Charlie Villanueva (9)

A classic hair/no hair match up.  Charlie clearly has the aerodynamic advantage, but Field has the secret Seacrest surprise attack. Ryan charges and takes out Charlie’s eyes with his hair spikes.  After that, it’s all over for our alopecia universalis friend.

Calvin Johnson (4) vs. Will Rhymes (13)

David vs. Goliath match up here, but instead of a sling and a stone David carries moxy and hustle. While a name like MEGATRON is certainly intimidating, Will cannot be denied. Will exploits Calvin’s only weakness by karate chopping Matthew Stafford’s clavical. Once the busted QB shoulder kryptonite is in hand Will can dismantel the MEGATRON. Big upset indeed.

Miguel Cabrera (5) vs. Kid Rock (12)

Kid challenges Miguel to drinking contest. Raul sneaks around and throttles Mr. Rock with a piano wire.  Only God Knows Why, but Miguel advances.

Justin Verlander (3) vs. John Keating (14)

While John tries to ask friendly questions Justin overpowers him with 100 mph fastballs to the face.

Eminem (6) vs. Alex Avila (11)

Eminem disses Alex about not winning a gold glove. Eminem berates Alex (in snappy, rhythmic psudo-rhymes) about breaking down at the end of the year. Alex crushes Marshall’s ribs with a gorgeous left handed swing thus puncturing Slim Shady’s lungs and advancing to the next round.

Rod Allen (7) vs. Pavel Datsyuk (10)

Pavel attacks with nifty moves, pirouetting his way to Rod, stick poised to attack. Rod informs Pavel he’s not keeping his front side firm, thus slowing his slap shot.  As Pavel looks down to check if this is true Rod charges him like he’s a Japanese pitcher. Rod advances.

Ndomukong Suh (2) vs. Rip Hamilton (15)

Rip comes of a curl beautifully to receive Suh’s cleat square in the face. BUT WAIT! Rip’s clear mask serves as armor. He pops back up just in time for Ndomokong to flop on top of him and snap every wiry bone in his body. Suh advances.

Round Two

Jason Beck (1) vs. Ryan Field (8)

Two titans of the media square off for a true classic. While Ryan tries to lull Beck with a fluff attack, Beck counters by informing him that sources are saying his face is ugly. Ryan melts into a pile of makeup. Beck advances.

Will Rhymes (13) vs. Miguel Cabrera (5)

Will pays punches Miguel dozens of times in the tummy. Cabrera offers Will $1,000 to go away, which he does quietly.

Justin Verlander (3) vs. Alex Avila (11)

Normally these two are working together to strike out batters but here they are toe-to-toe. Alex unleashes a Silver Slugger attack – it’s super effective! Wait here comes a Cy Young attack from Justin – it’s unanomous.  OHHH, HERE’S THE BACK BREAKING MVP ATTACK. Al throws in the towel for his son just before Justin runs him over with his Ferrari.

Rod Allen (7) vs. Ndomukong Suh (2)

The two combatants bow and stomp in traditional diapers like sumo warriors. Suh smashes Rod after poking him in his seeing eye. Rod is too fluffy to retaliate. Suh advances.

Semi-Final

Jason Beck (1) vs. Miguel Cabrera (5)

Miguel has the clear weight and clout advantage. Uh oh, What’s this!? A drunk driving trial coverage attack! Beck is just too much for Miguel to endure.

Justin Verlander (3) vs. Ndomukong Suh (2)

What’s the only thing that can beat a league MVP? How about 307 lbs of defensive lineman rage. Suh unleashes his patented Jake Delhomme attack followed by a Suh Stomp. No amount of arm hair or hardware can save Justin now.

Final

Jason Beck (1) vs. Ndomukong Suh (2)

What seems to be a clear physical advantage for Suh is neutralized by the Professor X like skills of Beck.  Suh’s normal attacks are crushed by Becks timely reports to Roger Goodell’s office. Suh tries to fight fire with fire summoning his twitter followers to overwhelm Beck.  Beck’s profile picture wins over Suh’s fans who turn on him and send him back to Nebraska.

Moral of the story: Don’t fuck with the Beck

*Author’s footnote: (this is still a PG-13 blog post.  I get one F bomb so I hope I used it wisely)

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 29, 2011 12:24 am

    “Beck counters by informing him that sources are saying his face is ugly”

    HA!

  2. December 1, 2011 4:20 pm

    Free Beer and Hot Wings is a great show!

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