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The Ol’ Ball and Chain

November 20, 2011

I don’t like to discuss my personal life much on this blog or on Twitter. Personal matters are just that – personal. Also I tend to forget things that aren’t a matter of public record very quickly, isn’t that weird? Many of you, however, have discovered I am getting married this Tuesday. It’s true, I’m marrying my best friend, Bobbie. SHE’S TOTALLY A WOMAN THOUGH!  Anyway, yesterday was really busy for me.  I’ve been doing all the crazy, wild things that men should do before they get married.  Here’s what I’ve been up to:

Saturday 6:00 am – Ate the world’s most epic breakfast with these guys

7:13am – Stumbled out of kitchen holding my gut

7:47am – Arrived at muddy pond to do this:

8:30 am – took a shower, OUT OF AN EFFIN’ FIRE HYDRANT

8:45 am – Summited big ass mountain

9:05 am – Shot Bull Elk, with a recurve bow and cedar arrows – naked

9:09 am – Completed capeing out Elk

9:45 am – Dropped Elk cape and antlers off to Chuck Testa

10:00 am – Ignored calls from Fox Sports Detroit girls

11:00 am – Beat Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3

Noon – Lunch: In and Out Burger

12:45 pm – Got hooked up with stripper. I’ll need a couple bottles of it to take off the wallpaper in our half bath. (We’re remodeling)

1:00 pm – Threw away photos of old girlfriends

1:10 pm – Clipped toenails right onto the carpet

1:20 pm – Belched and scratched while smoking cigar

3:00 pm – Finished watching Inception, understood the whole movie.

3:30 pm – Shot big ass gun

4:00 pm – Built a china hutch with my bare hands

6:00 pm – Dinner – Big ass steak with bottle of Founder’s Brewing Kentucky Breakfast Stout

7:10 pm – Bought a harpoon. Why? CAUSE IT’S A FREAKING HARPOON!!

8:00 pm- Walked into a Lesbian bar

8:01 pm – Walked out of a straight bar

8:30 pm – Appeared on stage with Mumford and Sons – offered lead singer gig, politely declined

9:30 pm – drunk big ass drink

Sunday 12:01 am – Squeezed Giada DeLaurentiis’ boobs

1:20 am – LMFAO sung Sexy and I know It live in my honor

1:30 am – Found thong in my pocket

1:45 am ?????????

2:00 am – Blackedout




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