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SABR Rattling

November 6, 2011

With the hot stove starting to heat up baseball pundits all over America are evaluating free agents. They may even play “the stat line game” where they post two actual player’s stat lines with the names removed and ask you to take your pick. They do this solely to say “HAHA GOT YA!” and make you feel stupid. The point is the numbers tell a story.  There are numbers beyond batting average and ERA designed to help you consider a player’s worth. By now I’m sure most of you are familiar with OBP, OPS, and maybe even WAR and VORP. However a new flock of forever alone statistical nerds have gone even further. Here are some of the new cutting edge Sabermetrics developed to help you evaluate you favorite player.

RABURN – Runs Allowed Because of Ubiquitous, Raging Numbskullery
A RABURN of 5 is considered average. Ryan Raburn had a 213. Delmon Young was second in the league.

WIILL – Wonder If In Little League
This is a measure of the loveability of the player. David Eckstien holds the MLB record for WIILL with a 5’7”. Milton Bradley is the lowest WIILL in major league history. Sure A-Rod has had a great VORP but he’s got a shitty WIILL.

AVILA – Accepts Violent Impact Like Anvil
This is a basic measure of how tough a player is. The formula is: HBP x # of times impacted by runner x walls run into x temperature of sparks off face x pi / # of days Carlos Guillen on DL

FIST – Frequency In Starting Throws
Everyone knows that defenders stay on their toes for pitchers who work quickly. Look for a pitcher with a great big FIST to stretch your defender’s abilities.

YOUNG – YOU Not Gonna
Will you take a base on balls?

ANDY – Advanced Neck DensitY
To make it to the majors you have to be stubborn. How stiff necked is your favorite player? Look up his ANDY.

JOSE – Joy Offered by Spontaneous Elation
Any Tom, Dick, or Todd can close baseball games, but how much joy does you pitcher bring to the table? Paplebon may be a fine closer but his JOSE is well below average. This is what a very high JOSE looks like.

COKE – Can Obtain striKeout Everytime
A measure of confidence and overall manliness.

ROD – Reliable Optical Dexterity
Measures ability to see players.

VICTOR – Victory In Clutch Times Or Rumbas
OPS = on base percentage plus slugging. VICTOR = LIPS (Late-inning pressure situation) batting average plus judges score in Latin dancing.

PORCELLO – Player is Overly Ravishing, Causing Every Lonely Lady Orgasm
How well can a player attract female baseball fans and boost gate receipts? Gerald Laird currently has a negative PORCELLO.

Now you have the tools you need to effectively argue on MLive.  Enjoy!

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