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October 29, 2011

In the weeks to come a number of fancy baseball blogs like Bless You Boys are going to discuss who the Detroit Tigers should target in the off-season.  They are going to give opinions on all the free agents or trade prospects and determine if they would be a good fit for the club or not. Tigerdog_1 will write a 1,000 report on why we shouldn’t sign Adam Everett.  They are going to use fancy statistics and probe like TSA agents probe an Arab traveler’s rump. Well not here. As Homer Simpson would say, “facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!” I’m no general manager, which is good because I look terrible in striped polos, but here are my criteria for off-season targets:

  1. Have I heard of this person?
  2. Is he awesome?
Ok, here we go!
  1. Logan Morrison – anyone who is known for being a pain in the ass to management for tweeting is ok by me. So he had to go the minors last year for a while; who cares? We’ll have a starting 3rd basement who did that, no prob Bob.
  2. Mark Buehrle – I get hungry toward the end of games and Mark would help me eat faster. Can you imagine a Fister/Buehrle double header? I’d be back home playing NBA Jam in no time.
  3. Brandon Phillips – I’ve seen him ranked pretty high on fantasy baseball cheet sheets one time and he also has twitter which is a +1. Also, I understand he plays 2nd base so he would be a terrific backup for Will.
  4. Bruce Chen – He’s an asian dude from Panama who throws 70 mph. We need him so we don’t have to hit against him. The guy kills us like we’re a Star Trek extra.  Forget having him pitch, we’ll put him on the 60 day DL with…um…mono.
  5. Vladimir Guerrero – He’s the only person who will make it look like Delmon has plate discipline. Plus, he’s cool.
  6. Jonathan Broxton – If we are going to lead the league in bullpen girth we need to get serious with this guy.
  7. Kyle Farnsworth – Kyle is Likes to Fight Guy and with Robin Ventura in the division again it couldn’t hurt.
  8. Edwin Jackson – Edwin will be great to have before the trade deadline.  He’s baseball’s version of the draw-four-wild card. We’ll be able to cash him in for whatever injury replacements we need at the time.
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