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Baseball watcher taxonomy

October 28, 2011

When you watch baseball on TV or come to the ballpark I’m sure you check out the players like they were animals at the zoo. Well, like that monkey at the zoo, we aren’t just itching our balls and smelling our poop we are also watching you back. Studying YOU as if YOU were on exhibit. You can only chew seeds and spit so much before you get bored and start checking out the fan base. I’ve discovered that fans tend to be one of a few types of species. To get you educated I’ve named and described them below. Consider this your field guide to the modern baseball watcher.

The Nerd (Davidus Tokarus) – You know this guy from the accounting or engineering departments in your company. He stopped playing Fantasy Football because there was too much luck involved. This is the kind of guy who has little outlines drawn on the pegboard in his garage so he knows where his tools go. He has two seperate shop vacs, one for dry material and one for wet material. He likes “Moneyball” but describes it as “over simplistic” and “missing the real point”. He gets a boner for xFIP and VORP.

The Broken Pair (Purchacus Lovicus) – You’ve maybe seen this couple at a game. Dad has his young teen daughter for the weekend. What better way to connect right than taking in a ball game, right? Daughter is decked out in all the latest team gear and texts her friends with her new phone the whole game. They generally sit in silence unless deciding what concession item to buy. Dad swears at the ump and explains baseball to the daughter who rolls her eyes a lot.

The Warm Fuzzies (Grandpus Pipesmokacus) – Sitting on the back porch with Grandfather listing to lilt of Ernie Harwell harmonize with the crickets on a humid summer night. The fireflies dancing and flickering in the shadows of the flowering dogwoods. The scent of pipe tobacco with it’s light cherry overtone meanders through the space as though time doesn’t exist. The paneled walls, the leather bound books, and the stately brass-trimmed clock stand sentry over the silent tableau of Grandfather and Grandchild. Grandma delivers her still warm, homemade hot fudge and we watch it as it gently melts pools of Hudsonville Ice Cream in the bottom of the long outmoded china dish. OMG I WANT TO WATCH BASEBALL!

The Waitress Hasn’t Changed the Channel Yet (Footballis Meatheadicus) – Can you change the channel please? Why is this crap on? Baseball is the most boring thing ever. HERE, just give me the remote I’ll change it myself! DAMMIT! Central Florida is playing Rutgers and I got a dime on the game. ESPNU DAMMIT! CHANNEL 1624, ARE YOU STUPID?

The Summertimer (Sunsoak tanktopus) – This is a migrant species known only to appear in July and August. They come to the ball game on summer Saturdays because, well, they’ve already been to the beach and this is another Pure Michigan thing to do. They don’t really know anything about baseball and usually sit in the 200 section. The males of the species drink light beer and the females carry around alcoholic Slurpees in long plastic tubes. This is the best shot to see glorious boobage in tight tank tops. A truly glorious display.

The Little Leaguer (Glovus Bringus) – DAD CAN I GET A HOT DOG? DAD, WHO’S PITCHING? MOM, TELL DAD TO GIVE ME SOME MONEY. CAN JOHNNY AND I GO DOWN BY THE FIELD. HOW MANY INNINGS DOES THIS GAME GO. CAN I HAVE YOUR SEAT INSTEAD. WHY CAN’T WE SIT CLOSER. DO YOU THINK WE ARE GOING TO GET A FOUL BALL? WAIT, ARE WE THE DONUT OR THE BAGEL? CAN I GET A FROZEN LEMONADE? WHEN DOES CABRERA COME UP AGAIN? DAD, WHAT’S THE SCORE?…

The Boys and Girls Clubber (Heylook Apigeon) – The distinguishing characteristics of this species are their bright t-shirted plumage as well as their propensity to travel in enormous packs. The call of the clubber is loud and unrelated to anything happening on the field. The Clubber has trouble paying attent –hey! Look at that running donut!

The Old Fart (Wheniwas akidicus) – This wrinkled creature actually pays attention to the game and knows a lot about baseball. He knows that today’s players: are lazy, don’t hustle, make too much money, are no Al Kaline. These fans are known to be frequently quote Lynn Henning. They love very short, silk looking coats. They keep score at the game. They knew all the guys on ’68 team. They are frequently seen during weekday afternoon games because they have nothing else to do. BEWARE: if you sit in one these creature’s seats they may become very angry and confrontational!

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One Comment leave one →
  1. October 29, 2011 12:25 am

    Davidus Tokarus…ha. Well played.

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