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2012 Promotions

October 27, 2011

Each year I get excited when that little Tigers pocket schedule appears.  Primarily because it lets me know when I have to show up at the ball park. But it also shows what products from China are going to be imported to distribute to those greedy fans. Not only do we learn what fruit of Malaysian sweat shops we get to clutter our homes with, but we also learn what theme nights there will be.  Remember 70s night? How about Elvis night?  You may remember Star Wars night from the time when Chewbaca made Rod Allen soil himself on television.  Today at 1:00pm the Tigers are having a little Q&A about the offerings for 2012.  Well, I feel it’s important for me to do whatever I can for the club.  Whether it would be taking the ball on the mound or taking the marketing department by the balls, I’m here to serve.  Therefore, here are my ideas for this year.

  • Ginger Night – All readheads get in free.  We offer freshly ground ginger on all concession items.  Christina Hendricks gets to throw out the first pitch and sit on my lap in the bullpen.

    Why not?

  • 60’s night – Not the 1960’s but the 1860’s.  No one comes out of the bullpen even if the starter has to throw 200 pitches. We hit 5 batters.  Fans get pine tar smeared on them when they come through the gate.  The Indians have to actually dress like Indians and we chase them off the field at the end. We have a civil war reenactment during the 7th inning stretch.
  • Real Tiger Night – We just let a real Tiger roam the ballpark.  If it eats a child the parents get a luxury suite for the rest of the year. (hold it at the end of the year to keep revenues up)
  • Kevin Rand Tigers Doctor Kit – Kids under 12 will have a great time with their new action figures.  Take Brennen’s thumb on and off. Reattach Maggilo’s ankle. Delmon has a replaceable oblique.  You can completely take apart and reassemble Carlos.
  • Bro Night – Pop your collar and act like a douche and you get a ticket for double the price.

    bros bros bros

  • Country “music” night – Everyone gets a Ryan Raburn/Andy Dirks poster. Hank Williams Jr. throws out the first Hitler reference.
  • Green night – None of the concessions come on plates or trays, we  just scoop that shit right in your hands. Want beer? Bring your own stein. Good luck on toilet paper. The lights are dimmed to half their normal power which surprisingly improves our outfield defense.
  • Asian night – We honor people of Asian ancestry in a thoughtful and respectful way.
  • Rich Family Night – We just play innings 4 and 5 so those a-hole families with too much money can finally see a whole game.
Well there you go. You are welcome Tigers.  Next thing you know I’ll be raking the infield too.
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