Mickey Mouse Operation

Here are some random thoughts from Spring Training day one. There will be  more later, but here are a few tidbits.

• How can Central Florida support this many gift shops? It’s like getting a 4 year sneak preview of a white trash yard sale.
• Disney is a machine. I seriously don’t understand the crush of people on this place. Downtown Disney was a circus. I stepped on no less than 14 small children. I’m not even apologetic.
• I’ve seen probably 38 Hoverounds because ‘Murica! Do Europeans even have little scooters? Probably not because they have to actually go up and down steps.
• Disney has employees everywhere. Where do they find all these people!? There was a parking attendant for every two cars. The parking was free though, so bravo. ($7 at Joker, blah)
• “Champions” Park at the Wide World of Sports complex was very nice. But, being Disney, we had to wait in line a half our for a ticket. I’m surprised you didn’t have to pay to go faster to do the thing you are paying to do. Disney is not very scalper friendly. A “security” person had to shoo away an old man and gave him a very stern talking to, “buying or selling tickets is AGAINST THE LAW!”
• Apparently state laws require all buildings be painted a pale yellow color.

• The inside of the stadium looked like an old theater lobby. Very quaint if you are into that type of thing.
• The crowd was super quiet and there were no “fan propts” (read: annoying bullshit sounds they pump in) so that was a nice thing.
• “Champions” Field was the most intimate place I’ve seen a ballgame. Great views.
• It was nice to see Dan Dickerson back to work.

• A foul ball went straight back and bounced up off the lip in front of the open air press box. As it happened it was right in front of Jason Beck. I falsely reported yesterday that he “should have caught it”. He certainly could have caught it but chose to let it go for the betterment of mankind or something.

As for the game itself

• Victor has something that needs no recovery time: a very sound approach at the plate. He’s a disciplined hitter and he will come back just fine.
• As reported Jhonny does look slim. He ranged far to his right on two plays.  One he got the out and on the other he made it very close.
• Tyler Collins and Jeff Kolbernus hit back to back triples in almost the same spot in deep rightcenter field. It is true that Kolbernus can run. Despite a little stumble from second to third on his triple, he knows how to run. He wasn’t walking or anything, he ran.
• All our pitchers cruised through aside from Alverez. It is early in the spring and the old truism about pitchers being ahead of hitters holds.
• FYI, you can never have on enough sunscreen

Other stuff

• A Braves fan sitting next to Mrs. Brain asked her if the “Kiss Cam” were to focus on her which way she would turn for a smooch. Mrs. Brain was having none of it. Good luck with that one, dude.
• It’s amazing how loud one drunk fan can be. There was a dude trying to get the “Tomahawk Chop” going with no success. Several of you tweeted that you could hear it on the radio. Beer, what CAN’T it do!
• No sighting of the offensive screaming Indian spring training cap. Smart for the Braves, sad for me because I wanted to rip them.
• Boy, Deadmau5 is really popular in Orlando, his logo is EVERYWHERE.

More from Joker later tonight! Probably (I’m lazy)

Job opening! (if you are a hot chick)

Have you ever gone to a baseball game and thought, “Boy, this game is pretty neat, but I wish there was an attractive female hostess here to talk to me and other special guests.”? Boy, aren’t you in luck!

This posting happened to come across the desk of the Brain and I thought I’d share.

At times, Real Style will reach out to our talent to help us find someone specific for an opportunity. This email defines a great opportunity. Please read and share with your family and friends who might have an interest in s hostess position for Tiger baseball games.

I consider all of you my family and friends (but only the females)

Real Style is looking for a 2 women for on-air positions for the Detroit Tigers Home Games.
Please read carefully through the following email and please, send an email to
tigers{at}realstyleonline.com

By “on-air” I assume they mean on the jumbotron. If your face is going to be 50′ tall I suppose it is wise to skip the zits.

with your name, cell phone, age and photo if you are truly interested and available.  As you select a photo, please consider that a client will look at the photo and determine whether or not they will bring you in for an interview.

As you select a photo, please consider being hot

 In other words, include a professional or professional looking photo.

In other words, be hot.

Position Description:  The TIger’s Organization is looking for 2 women to host home baseball games.

TIger’s

The  2 hostesses would alternate appearing on air for all home games. The hostesses would talk to fans, contest winners, and special guests at the games.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR FREE HOT DOG?! *SUPER BIG WHITE SMILE!!*

Qualities:  Hostess will need to be confident and have a strong on air presence. You will need to interact with fans so an outgoing personality is a must. A knowledge of baseball is definitely a plus!

Translation, but a photogenic flirt and if you know how many outs there are in an inning that is a bonus.

Dates needed:  The baseball season begins at the beginning of April and ends at the end of September.  Post season play can go until mid October.

Where is the confidence!? How about WILL go until the END of October.

Rate:  Hostesses will be paid per game.

(In Bath and Body Works gift cards)

Interview process:
1.  If you are interested or know someone who is interested, please send an email to
tigers{at}realstyleonline.com.  We are looking or serious candidates who can make themselves available throughout the spring, summer, and early fall.

This is the second time now, you have to be SERIOUS!

2.  The client will review photographs of interested candidates.  The client will select those candidates that he would like to interview for the position.

BE HOT! IS THIS UNCLEAR!?!

3. Interviews will take place at Real Style in Clawson MI.  Interviews to take place 2/26 and 2/28.

Wear something hot

4. Once the interview process has been completed, the client will select those that they would like to bring in to video tape.

You know, I’m just going to skip over any obvious jokes here. Where’s Rogo when you need him?

5. Video tape interviews will be presented to Tiger management who will select the Tiger’s hostesses.

I’d love to see Mr. I looking these over.

This is an amazing opportunity for those who are interested in broadcasting.  The Tiger’s are an extremely relevant team in the baseball world, with  millions of fans watching each game.  This is the type of opportunity that can launch someone into the world of broadcasting.

Tiger’s are an extremely relevant team in the baseball world.

Please feel free to share this with individuals who you think would be interested and meet the criteria.

That’s you all, right? (except if you have a twig and berries or can’t talk like Manti Te’o's girlfriend)

Please follow the directions included.  Emails are sent to

tigers{at}realstyleonline.com

There you have it! I hope you get the job!

Phil Coke’s Brain Radio Hour

This is a thing that I am doing now.

http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/29049100

I hope to do it again soon so you can participate live!

Yay?

The 1992 Official Scorebook and Program

It is remarkable how much things change in 20 years. We graduate, marry, have children, technology advances, we even have a brand new Fielder playing first base. It is important to look back from time to time and the offseason is a great time to mix in some nostalgia. Walk with me through the pages of the 1992 Official Scorebook and Program

Front Cover

Check out the fancy graphic design with the cool shadows falling away from the letters in “TIGERS”. Love the stirrups on Cecil. Damn that guy’s thighs are huge in proportion to the rest of his body. Looks like the jersey is a little tighter than they are now, but they are as classic as ever.

Donut power rankings

The Tigers have been furiously promoting a very exciting appearance by my corporeal host. Check it out:

The #Tigers run on Dunkin’. Come see @toriihunter48 and Phil Coke @ the Dunkin’ Donuts on Southfield Rd on 1/25 at 10:30 am. #DETCaravan

— Detroit Tigers (@tigers) January 23, 2013

So come on out and pick up a donut (or “doughnut” for you snobs out there)! But what kind of donut you might ask? I am here to help you with the donut power rankings. BOOM, DROPPING KNOWLEDGE!

10. Cinnamon twist – Sure, there are worse choices, but when you show up in the lunch room late and all that is left is a mangled cinnamon twist you have the right to be disappointed. Something about the shape makes it dry out faster leaving a distinctive Styrofoam texture.

meh

9. Bear Claw – The problem with the bear claw is that you never quite know what you are getting. As a colorblind-american I feel like donuts should have a distinct flavor with a distinct shape. People just put whatever the heck they want on a bear claw – peanuts, cinnamon, walnuts, apples, or heaven forbid raisins.

What is on this???

8. Pumpkin – There is something wonderful about the texture of a pumpkin donut. Earthy and thick.  I like my pumpkin donuts with a lot of warm spices like nutmeg and cloves.  The only problem with the pumpkin donut is really only appropriate in the fall. Eating a pumpkin donut in the spring time is against federal law.

7. Plain glazed – True connoisseurs only want the ideal form of the thing:  vanilla ice cream, black coffee, and in our case the plain glazed donut.  If I order a plan glazed I want the more yeasty, fluffy Krispy Kreme style and not the cake-like version popular in the north. There is a place for cake-like but the plain glazed is not it.  The plain glazed can be a train wreck when not executed properly, but when done right it puts all the other donuts with their fancy embellishments to shame.

6. Apple cider – Simple: go to an orchard, eat apple cider donuts, pick 10lbs of apples you’ll let rot because you never use them, enjoy the good life.  (a true apple cider donut should have crystallized sugared coating)

It’s not really nature, it’s an orchard. WHO CARES!?

5. Chocolate glazed – It’s indulgent.  You see the box. Your eyes meet the chocolate glazed beauty. You know you shouldn’t. You do. You cry from the guilt.

4. Sour cream glazed – Crack is addictive. The perfect sour cream glazed has that crack that runs around the top, seductively catching extra globs of glaze. The entire key to the sour cream glazed is the texture.  This is where you want cake-like. You want sugar so fierce you have to have a cup of coffee to even digest it.

3. Maple fried cinnamon – I had a hard time finding a photo of this one. Does the world not know about maple glazed fried cinnamon donuts? Pull it together people! A proper fried cinnamon has NO HOLE but is flat and covered with a thick (almost frosting like) glaze.  The little veins of cinnamon throughout the donut accent a light, yeasty consistency.  This is the one donut where it is acceptable to have nuts on top.

2. Apple fritter – Oh those little mounds and crevices just begging you to rip them apart and put them in your mouth (never grasp an entire apple fritter and bite into it, always rip apart). So sweet, so gooey, so perfect. Don’t even dare put any chocolate or other accouterments on this one, the joy is all in the body.

mmm..crevices

1. Chocolate frosted Bavarian cream long john – Forget that scene from Van Wilder, we all know this is the king of donuts and donut technology.  It has everything: chocolate, a puffy body, and an injection of delicious, smooth cream. Don’t even think about compromising and going for the fake, sugary filling. It must be Bavarian cream (preferable from Bavaria and made by real Bavarians). It’s big, it’s indulgent, it’s sweet. It is everything a donut should be.

The boss of all the other donuts

Lazy

You may have noticed that this particular baseball blog is somewhat different than the rest. Sure, I like to look at numbers sometimes and will occasionally get lost in baseball-reference or fangraphs when there is a particular matter I’m curious about. But my stock and trade is generally silliness. That doesn’t stop me from thinking of things I would write about if I had serious blogger skills.  So, if you are a real writer here are some topics you could pick up.

1. Exactly how good was Prince Fielder’s 2012 season?  To me, he got lost (if you can lose a 2?? lbs man) among the stories about  Miggy’s Triple Crown, Justin’s Cy Young chase, and Quintin’s charm.
2. What can we expect from Prince in 2013? Is there actually an adjustment period when switching leagues? Might Prince hit even better?
3. How about GIFs of every 2012 Prince Fielder slide ranked by awesomeness?
4. A comparison of what Victor Martinez might bring to the 5 spot versus what Delmon brought.
5. A breakdown of the remaining free agent options who might fit to platoon with Dirks.
6. Has Joaquin Benoit lived up to his contract?  There was much consternation about a 3 year deal for him. Did it work? Is it too early to tell?
7. Why doesn’t Austin Jackson dive? Is it smart to never dive for a ball?  How often do outfielders who dive make the play? When they miss it, what does it cost the team on average? What is the risk/reward matrix for diving for a ball in certain base/out situations?
8. How the heck do they decide who goes where for the Winter Caravans? Which caravan  has historically been the best based on aggregate WAR?
9. Is Comerica Park actually so large that it is “unfair” as Mr. Lynn Henning claims? Would it be to our advantage or disadvantage to move the fences in given our roster? Is there anything to prevent a MLB team from tailoring their fences to their team on a year to year basis?
10. How good or bad was Gene Lamont as a 3rd base coach? Is there any way to evaluate 3rd base coaches empirically? Could you find the greatest 3rd base coach of all time? Worst?

I’ll expect all these articles written up in the next few days.  Thanks.

Oh, The Huge Vanity!

One of the best parts of the opening days of spring training is scoping out the new “whips” (“whips” means cars) all the boys will be rolling up to Joker Marchant Stadium in. But how do we know who’s car is whos?  The easiest way is to check out the licence plate. Not just any randomly generated licence plate will do. Gotta come strong with a pimpin’ custom plate!  Luckily Brain Matters has exclusive images. See if you can figure out which plate belongs to who. Click the image if you need some help.

oops, forgot one