TOM GAGE
Brandon? Would you come here for a moment, please?

BRANDON INGE
I’m sorry. I was late. I was having lunch.

GAGE
I need to talk about your camp arrival time.

INGE
Really? I showed up when I was supposed to. See, I checked in yesterday, February 23.

GAGE
Well, ok, February 23 is minimum, ok?

INGE
Ok.

GAGE
Now, it’s up to you whether or not you want to just do the bare minimum. Well, like Jackson, for example, he’s been in camp for weeks. And has a terrific smile.

INGE
Ok. Ok, you want me to be earlier?

GAGE
Look. Brandon.

INGE
Yeah.

GAGE
People can get a second baseman anywhere. They come to you for the fun and the attitude. That’s what the early arrival is about, it’s about the attitude.

INGE
Ok. So, earlier then?

GAGE
Look, we want you to help the team, ok? If you think the bare minimum is enough, then ok. But some people choose to arrive early and we encourage that, ok? You do want to help the team, don’t you?

INGE
Yeah. Yeah.

GAGE
Great. Great. That’s all I ask.

INGE
Ok.

**A special hat tip to @johnjparent on this one!

This is where Lynn is the master.  Lynn attacks with subtle, contrarian barbs that shift and change with the news.  This could simply be a product of his nature, but I suspect this is carefully crafted for maximum effect.  There is a reason he’s been around since 1979.

The key for Lynn is the hook.  It doesn’t have to be a good hook or a correct hook but just a hook.  It has to be at the appropriate level too.  Push it too far and you are a bully, let it go too easily and it loses its truthiness.  The hook is even better when it aligns with the thoughts of the fans and against the “baseball experts”.    This is why @Lynn_Henning has been terrific on twitter.  He’ll surpass most of the other Tiger’s tweeters in followers quite quickly. (even though he doesn’t RT properly). Perhaps this is also why he continues to appear on the Huge Show.  Their techniques are different, but not unrelated. Let me illustrate the hook concept by giving some examples:

Hook one: Mark Buehrle

Mark Buehrle was an important free agent pitcher this off-season.  While the Tigers have a need for a 5th starter type Lynn was “convinced” they were going to more aggressive and make a play for him.  That’s the hook. Most experts agreed that Mark would be out of the Tiger’s price range, but Lynn played the contrarian.  My research department is a little lean, but I counted 500,000 Henning tweets about the Tigers and Buerhle. In then end the Tigers had no talks with Mark. In regard to discussions on a deal Dave Dombrowski was quoted as saying: “ “We never had any. Despite people saying (so) at various times, we never had any. We really have maintained all along that we’re not after the big, long-term deal with a pitcher. We never had any.”

Hook two: Danny Worth’s worth

I won’t get into too much depth, but Lynn Henning loves Danny Worth’s versatility and disproportionately hypes him in his writing.

Hook three: Players weight

This is the big one.  Perhaps you’ll remember at Prince’s introductory press conference there was a reporter who described Prince as “husky” and asked the Tiger’s front office if his contract had a “weight clause”.  If you guessed it was Lynn, you guessed right.  This wasn’t a question on Prince’s increased weight or somehow unknown size, it was just a hook.  In a subsequent article Lynn just comes right out and drops a, “Fielder is 27 and carries way too much weight.”  According to who? The Body Mass Index (BMI)?  Babe Ruth probably thinks he’s about the right size!

I’ll quote for you (unabridged) a series of Henning Tweets:

You don’t measure Prince Fielder’s grand, sprawling tattoo designs in square feet as much as in square miles. Newspapers require less ink.

That’s the first thing noticed today about Fielder: How he can carry so much weight, create a perception of obesity, but look so in-sync.

RT @Kyle @grade_eh_tweets Estimate on the weight of both? I’d say cabby 255, prince 270? Kyle: Close on Cabrera. Prince a bit heftier.

Neat scene: All the hugs and handclasps as Tigers teammates greet one another. Nothing phony about it. The bond between athletes is heavy.

The last one cracks me up.  I’m pretty sure he took notes during Wes Welker’s feet mentioning press conference.

In the end, Lynn has a marvelous gift of subtly stirring the conversation.  Just be aware of what he’s doing. It will give you a whole other level of enjoyment.

But don’t go! Before this hook fades into the next one, may I introduce: BMI Henning.

You can make your own BMI Hennings by clicking HERE and using the image below! Enjoy!

The whole phenomenon started with the arrival of “Fastball Flakes”, a cereal Justin Verlander graciously lent his name to to support veterans causes.  Before we go any further I think we should acknowledge the fact that Justin was extremely generous with his time and resources to make this happen.  In fact he’s giving 100% of the proceeds away, which I understand not every athlete does.

I’ll skip the twitter play-by-play, but after I suggested I would rather have some “Porcell-Os” things kinda took off. Many were contributing their Tigers cereal names. Perhaps completely by coincidence @MLBNetworkRadio picked up on the topic too. (Check out THIS for general awesomeness)  I’ll try to credit the creators as much as possible. Just chew me out if I missed you. (har har)

My contributions are

• Porcell-O’s
• Apple Jacksons
• Raisin Brandon
• Octavi-Oats
• Mueslex Avila

• Count Dracu-Laird – @mike_is_bored
• Boesch-i Go Lean – @mike_is_bored
• Jhonny Nhut Cheerios – @mike_is_bored
• Raburn Bran – @mike_is_bored
• Scherzer Pebbles – @Baroque97
• Kelly Charms – @Baroque97
• Raysin Bran – @Baroque97
• Captain Crunch with Miggy on the box – @Baroque97
• Fister Flakes – @Mickey_baseball
• Prince Puffs – @devildogdandy
• Jackson Holes - @devildogdandy
• Rod Allen’s Beans & Rice Cereal – @M_liver
• Fister Toast Crunch – @M_liver
• Donald Kelly’s Anytime Cereal – @M_liver
• Cabby Crunch – @TheRoar_24
• Frosted Fielders - @Detroit4lyfeRob
• Frosted Mini Cletes - @CoreyDMonroe & @DNR_Rogo
• Did I miss yours? Let me know and I’ll add them.

Remember, whatever cereal you choose, make sure to pour on lots of cold Wilk.

Bonus content:

I don’t really know where these fit so I’ll slap theme here.

@notlindsay did a awesome job making this:

so precious

Here is her trophy

Also, I observed that Prince and Miguel together looked vaguely familiar.

Winners:

“Livin Avila Loca” – Good word play, nice rhythm, and the reference is just campy enough to work.

“The Notorious I.N.G.E.” – Anytime you can mix in a reference to a obese dead rapper, you have to do it.

“Oh My Boesch” – Irreverent and clever. When you see it, you snicker.

Losers:

“Justin-credible” – This one is terrible for it’s lack of creativity. Jeremy Lin puns look like graduate level work compared to this thing.

“Sweet Clete” – It rhymes, that’s it. Not funny.

“The Andy Man Can” – This one would be better if the reference was better. Sammy Davis Jr. and Willy Wonka both creep me out.

“Austin Powers” or “Action Jackson” – No, just no.

“DELMONster-Shot” – This might be the only only entry that could appear both here and in my previous post HERE.

Ideas?

Can we do any better? They have to be clean and short to have a chance. Let’s give it a shot.

FISTERiffic

You can call me Al

Dotel it on the mountain

(for Andy Oliver) – Please Sir, I want some more

Dirks Bunt-ly (Shut up, Raburn would like it)

Anybody here seen KELLY? K E double L Y!

The Full Delmonty

Miguelegant

Joaquin on Sunshine

Duane’s World

Prince, harming!

PLEASE NO!!

Enjoy Coke!, Coke is it!  - The pop reference is played out

Addicted to Coke! -The cocaine reference died with Charlie Sheen

Worth-y – Too obvious

Royal Prince, Prince of the Diamond, ect… – Too obvious

Alright, let’s see how you do.  Add your creations in the comments.

But do you  know about these other Tigers memes?

Utility Donnie

Innuendo Fister

Nokia Avila

Serious Cabrera

HypnoScherzer

last one

Now you can create your own Innuedo Fisters and Utility Donnies! Better yet, link them in the comments! Slap hands, Slap hands!

We get three strike outs in a row? – Hooray for the KKK!

Error at third? – WHAT THE MIGHELL WERE YOU THINKING!?

Second baseman taken out with a slide? – Inge-ury Timeout!!!

Prince hits a home run? – EAT IT CECIL!!

Peralta home run? – Jhonny Jhacks it!

Runner thrown out at second? – Alex A-baby cow meat-a!!!

Changing who plays Third? – Inge assumes the position!

Ramon makes an error? – Ramon SATANago

Austin makes an error? – I’M SORRY MISS JACKSON, OOOOOO

Brennen long ball? – Holy BoscHIT!

Ryan with an outfield assist? SKIN GRAFT TIME, THERE’S A RaBURN VICTIM!

Home run? – BALListic missile!!

Thomas gets a extra base hit? – CLETE-oral Stimulation!!

David Pauley pitching well? – GO PLAYER!!

Need some general cheering? – TIME FOR A HOLLAR-CAUST!

MAKE SOME NOISE DAMMIT!

YELL YOU PUSSIES!

Lamont gets a runner thrown out at home? – It’s a GENE-o-cide!

Tune in later where we explore the BEST of the worst. Feel free to submit your choices to @philcokesbrain

My first followers were hard-core Tiger uber-nerds who were ready to soak up anything Tigers related. From there things just started to snowball and I’ve done more random things. For example, after tweeting nonsense during the Grammys I made reference to the group “The Civil Wars” being @oldhossradbourn’s favorite act. (you see, cause he tweets about the Civil War and the group is called “The Civil Wars”…har har) The next morning @johnpaulwhite the male half of the group The Civil Wars retweets this and makes a comment. Where else can a random disembodied brain enter the consciousness of a multiple Grammy winner? Come to find out he’s a baseball fan and had been following me before that tweet. The only thing that made me smile more is when I learned Patrick Leyland showed his dad this video. The internet is a magical place I tell you.

In case you are a newer follower what goes on here might need a bit of explanation. I always feature Detroit Tigers baseball first, followed closely thereafter by general merrymaking. If you’ve gotten somehow entangled here by some non-Tigers means, or you follow the team irregularly (you should get that checked out btw) there are some things that might need a bit of explanation. As Spring Training is about to dawn, now is the time to reset the cast of characters so everyone has a basic understanding of what we are working with. In order to do this I need to be a bit like the anti-joke chicken and stick to the facts, so bear with me.

Andy Dirks is a 4^th outfielder type for the Tigers. He recently performed heroically in Caribbean winter ball and has been labeled “Just a ballplayer” after his repeated self-references as such. The most important part about Andy Dirks, however, is that he has a tremendously thick neck.

Austin Jackson is the only fast player on the Tigers. He strikes out all the time.

Ramon Santiago has “sneaky power” because he doesn’t have power.

Jose Valverde is the closer who likes to celebrate on the mound after big outs. His nickname is “Papa Grande” which is Spanish for “Big Potato”

Joaquin Benoit had a large band-aid on his face that became a point of contention for Joe Girardi in the play offs.

Brennan Boesch is from Santa Monica, California as is Tiger’s TV colorman Rod Allen. He sometimes exhibits stereotypical California “bro” type behavior and has luscious hair. He was out the end of last year with a bum wrist.

Delmon Young is the younger brother of former Tiger Dmitri Young. Evidently Dmitri absorbed all the personality out of their mother’s womb before Delmon got any. Delmon doesn’t walk very often and has a habit of curling his tongue awkwardly while he bats which is very disconcerting. He also plays lousy defense thus earning him the name Elmon (no D).

David Pauly came to Detroit in the mid-season trade with Seattle that also brought us Doug Fister. Because he was overshadowed by Fister and Leyland used him so rarely no one knows who he is.

Doug Fister’s last name is Fister

Max Scherzer has one blue eye and two brown eyes (if you count the one…nevermind.)

Brandon Inge is the Tigers 2^nd baseman. If you have questions about him just ask any Detroit area woman at a Walmart.

Justin Verlander was dominant and earned both the Cy Young and MVP among numerous other awards. He also appeared on Conan and professed his love for Taco Bell.

Gerald Laird was on a World Series winner last year but had limited playing time. He throws with four fingers.

Alex Avila has thick, dark facial hair. He’s taken a lot of physical abuse and keeps on playing. He’s the son of Assistant General Manager Al Avila

Carlos Guillen and Magglio Ordonez: Fragile vets, both have moved on.

Ryan Raburn is a defensive mess and can’t hit until August. People insist on spelling his name incorrectly as Rayburn.

Brad Penny is now in Japan and is extremely slow

Lynn Henning is a newspaper report who everyone likes to pick on. We make jokes about him being old.

Danny Worth has a big chin and is a lot of fun on twitter.

Will Rhymes is now with the Rays and is very small.

Rick Porcello is a pimp and gets ground balls.

Jason Beck is the Tigers beat reporter for MLB.com/Tigers.com. His business like approach and over all quality earn him THIS kind of treatment.

Rod Allen has catchphrases and his own drinking game.

Mario Impemba is solid and puts up with Rod.

MLive is a website with lots of Detroit sports content where the comments are stupid. “Mliver” is shorthand for a big mouthed idiot who doesn’t know anything. This happens despite the overall quality of the stories.

Jim Leyland smokes and loves Don Kelly passionately

Gene Lamont the third base coach and gets ignored. He was passed over for the Red Sox manager job this off-season.

Prince Fielder is big and is former Tiger Cecil Fielder’s son. The two don’t get along.

Jhonny Peralta spells his name funny

Miguel Cabrera had a slight bump in the road with some drinking last off-season. He is really good at playing baseball.

Don Kelly can be mediocre at anything. Rogo picks on Donnie because, well…why not?

The Fox Sports Detroit girls are pretty and spout platitudes. They are basically a cross between a mascot and can of hairspray. They have counterparts at all the regional Fox sports next work. These girls are stamped out at the old Ford plant in Wixom.

The PCB girls are inspired by the FSDetroit girls but are smarter and a lot more fun. They are @notlindsay @wendy_lynn and @shan_cake.

Phil Coke gets the bulk of attention here because he is my corporeal host. Some basics:

Phil points up to the sky at any fly ball, ostensibly to help his fielders catch the ball.

There was a story out early last season about how Phil and then-Tiger and Australian Brad Thomas would hang out. We even learned that they went to a movie together on their day off in New York.

Phil is from California and is a graduate of San Joaquin Delta College

At last year’s Tigersfest Phil disclosed that he stays in shape in the off-season by clearing limbs and underbrush to prevent forest fires.

Phil is just a goofy guy and says random things.

Phil is left-handed.

Phil started out as a starter last year, but after some very bad luck and a stint on the DL with a sprained ankle he went back to the bullpen.

Phil got married this off-season after a trip to Taiwan. (please understand any references to personal life are totally my invention and shouldn’t reflect on poor Phil at all. Thanks)

So there you have it.  You now have the basic equipment to participate in Detroit Tiger memes. Congratulations?

Waiting: The longest ________ of your life.

1 second – the time between when you push send on your cellphone after zipping your johnson up in your pants and when the 911 operator answers

2 Second – the time between when you push the button on your remote and your satellite box changes the channel

3 seconds – the time after you point to a flyball but before it is caught

10 seconds – Prince running out a ground ball

23 seconds – The time between the ringing of the bullpen phone and the signal to warm up

1 minute – Nachos cooking in the microwave. Let me eat you already!

2 1/2 minutes – A red light when you are late for the game

3 1/2 minutes - The time it takes the cop to come to your window after pulling you over

4 minutes – Waiting for the pizza to cool off. (I can never wait that long and I burn my freakin’ hard pallet off every damn time.)

10 minutes – when you take a dump but forget to take your phone

15 minutes – The time it takes your wife to take the damn bobby pins out of her hair on your wedding night.

25 minutes – The last 1:02 of a NBA basketball game

47 minutes – College football halftime

1 hour – Listening to your cousin talk about her fried food purchases on her recent trip to the state fair.

1 hour 30 minutes - When you are a guest in someone else’s home and you wake up before they do and you are not quite sure what to do.  You don’t want to wake them up, but you aren’t going to sleep anymore and you really need to go the the bathroom.  Should you go out to the living room or just be quiet and lay in bed until you hear them making coffee or something?

2 hours and 2 minutes – Twilight

4 hours 15 minutes - The time after you feel a serious fart coming on and the time you leave your new girlfriends apartment

8 hours – The last day of school

1 week – Waiting for the results of your gonorrhea test

1 year – The year between your 20^th and 21^st birthday

5 years – The time between your father’s affirmations

One lifetime – waiting to get called on stage on The Price is Right