PCB’s Guide to the Holidays.
The holidays can sure be a stressful time. With all the extra work of preparing food, buying presents, and trying to figure out what the heck Kwanzaa is, it can be downright maddening. But fear not! I am here to help you navigate the intricacies of the season with these tips:
- Need a spot to hide your wife’s Christmas presents? Put them with all the sexy things she got from her bachelorette party. Look, she’s never going to use that stuff again. And on the oft chance she’s going there to select something, you are still in luck!
- Remember to Google area churches to figure out which one looks the least objectionable before your annual visit. Look for ones with a bunch of unintelligible initials after the church name. Avoid churches with the -ology suffix.
- Need a gift idea? Women love Kitchen Aid stand mixers. It doesn’t matter if your lady cooks or not. She wants something heavy, shiny, and expensive to show off to her friends who also have Kitchen Aid stand mixers and don’t cook.
- To tolerate Michael Buble holiday songs, imagine him tumbling down a flight of stairs when his music comes on.
- In red states greet people with “Merry Christmas”, in blue states greet people with “Happy Holidays”. Reverse if you enjoying being a dick.
- Avoid artificial Christmas trees. Go out and kill one with a saw like a real man. Preferably with a giant chainsaw.
- Don’t try to put the Christmas tree up yourself. You should put it in the living room or dining area, you sicko.
- If you are considering dressing up as Santa this year, remember never to.
- To see if your Christmas tree lights have appropriate spacing, step back and squint at the tree. Or, just drink until they look awesome.
- If you receive more than one liquor gift set you may want to reconsider the kind of reputation you are developing.
- Is Hanukkah unfamiliar to you? You can learn everything you need to know from THIS series of cartoons by Samara Pearlstein. I’m sure she covers the important parts anyway.
- Don’t be the guy who wraps the gifts with inordinate amounts of tape. Don’t be the guy who puts gifts inside a box, inside a larger box, inside an even larger box. It’s hard for the opener to fake amusement for that long.
- Do not quote from Christmas movies. Yes, even A Christmas Story. Yes, even Elf.
- Avoid cheating on your diet during the holidays by not having one.