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Eight Tigers at Every Family Holiday Party

November 23, 2012

With Thanksgiving out of the way we have officially kicked off the family holiday party season. Perhaps in the last couple of days you have determined the location of upcoming parties, exchanged names for gift giving, and have even gotten a jump on gift buying.  Now is the time to get prepared for these upcoming parties to come and I’m here to help. Whether you are the type of person tramples small children to buy a $170 TV or you’re the type of person who snootily ridicules those type of people, we really all have the same types of friends and family at our parties. Let me explain using examples to which you can relate:

The Justin Verlander – Every family has one, the person who just knows they are a little bit better than everyone else. They pull up to your house in a nicer car. They find subtle ways to let you know their job is better, more rewarding, and higher playing than yours. Their clothes are newer and more stylish than yours. Sure, it can be pretty frustrating, but hey, they are family, right?  And guess what? YOU WANT THESE PEOPLE IN YOUR FAMILY, YOU NEED THESE PEOPLE IN YOUR FAMILY. Why? Because they are the hook up! Need a week at a cottage, they have one. Wanna borrow a truck or SUV to haul something? They have one. On a random day you get a call from your Justin Verlander offering you free tickets for a game or show they can’t make.  Be nice to your Justin Verlander!

The Gerald Laird – This is the goofy cousin who ducks in and out of your life. He’s lovable with a big cheesy grin, but you aren’t sure quite where the guy has been. You make sure you know where your kids are when Cousin Gerald is around. The Gerald Laird will always bring some food that is made out of miracle whip, aerosol cheese, and a box of Ritz crackers. The Gerald Laird is ready offer a hearty laugh and is the first one with a drink in his hand. He jumps into each conversation but it is clear pretty fast he really doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

The Ramon Santiago – Your family’s Ramon Santiago is so quiet you almost forget about them. You can’t remember their kids names and you have no idea what to buy for them. They are friendly, but look pretty uncomfortable at the party and are always the first ones to leave.

The Quintin Berry – Always the most popular member of the family, the Quintin Berry is terrific at small talk and is the one Grandma likes best. Always a peacemaker, the Quintin Berry talks to every single person at the party and is always eager to help clean up afterward.  Unfortunately, the Quintin Berry really doesn’t contribute much to the conversation and seems a bit superficial.

The Miguel Cabrera – He or she is the troublemaker who always looks like they are up to something. They love to do little practical jokes and be a bit naughty. Probably one of the younger members of the family, they are likely to wrap your gifts in a series of larger boxes (all of which are wrapped in loads of tape). The Miguel Cabrera likes to play Chubby Bunny to get all the kids to laugh. Probably just brings a bag of chips to the party.

The Delmon Young – Always a bit ornery, the Delmon isn’t very happy to be at the party. Of course, they wouldn’t be any more happy anywhere else. Work? Bad. Economy? Bad. That new movie? Bad. The Delmon Young is the person you are sure to stay far, far away from if the topic of religion or politics comesup. You have to invite The Delmon because they are family, but sometimes you wonder if the party might be better without them.

The Doug Fister – This person plays it by book: solid job, solid car, solid spouse. Always gets an appropriate (if a bit boring) gift. He or she likes to wear sweaters and probably orders out of the Eddie Bauer catalog. Has a drink, but only one. The Doug Fister’s kids behave themselves.

The Jim Leyland – Grandpa

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Hetobeto permalink
    November 23, 2012 11:30 pm

    Oh no. I think I am the Quintin Berry of my family.

  2. Kate permalink
    November 24, 2012 10:25 am

    Very,very accurate.

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