Thanksgiving: Pun, Kin, Pie
Ah, Thanksgiving Day: the one day a year where we express our gratitude through gluttony. I’m sure your day is super busy with the usual Turkey Day traditions: live tweeting snarky comments about a stupid parade, listening to your mom’s apologies about the food, tolerating your dad’s reminders about how awesome John Madden was – a really packed schedule. However, I hope you can find the time between Brandon Pettigrew’s dropped passes to check out my All-Thanksgiving Day team.
Yam Yaryan C – Yam was a catcher for the Chicago White Sox in 1921 and 1922. Living in the shadow of the Black Sox scandal the club sought trustworthy vegetable named players to rebuild their credibility.
Squanto Wilson 1B – Squanto Wilson was about as good at baseball as the original Squanto was at keeping his land. In 1911 he had 3 hits in 18 at bats for your Detroit Tigers. He retired in 1914 to focus on planting corn.
Jim Cook 2B – The Tigers aren’t the only ones who have an extremely hard time finding someone to play second. This career .154 hitter with a dubious connection to Thanksgiving was the best Brain Matters could find.
Salty Parker SS – The second Tiger on our list played in 11 games for the 1936 club. He sprinkled in 7 hits for a savory .280 average. He did not play after that season because of his military service where he successfully assaulted the enemy.
Frank Buttery 3B – No nickname here, the dude’s name is BUTTERY! Frank was so smooth, especially when he got on a roll.
Turkey Stearnes OF – Norman Thomas Stearnes is MVP of our All Thanksgiving Day team. Stearnes acquired his nickname at an early age from his unusual running style. Turkey was a Negro leagues star from 1920 – 1936. He had a .344 career average and hit 176 home runs. He played for the Detroit Stars between 1923 and 1931 and again in 1937. He died in Detroit in 1979. Let us all lift a drumstick in memory of this Hall of Famer!
Pepper Martin OF – Pepper really knew how to grind while playing 13 seasons for St. Louis. His nickname was “The Wild Horse of the Osage” which is kind of a mouthful.
Felix Pie OF – No Thanksgiving Day is complete without Pie. While his skills may have been homemade his negative WAR suggest he’s of store-bought quality.
Fatty Briody DH - His real name was Charles F. Briody but evidently some 19th century Lynn Henning got a hold of the poor guy and he became known as Fatty. His 5′ 8″ frame weighed in at a whopping 190 lbs, the weight of Prince Fielder in 5th grade.
Jimmy Gobble SP – Clearly the Cy Young of the All Thanksgiving Day team, Jimmy strutted his stuff for Kansas City and Chicago before getting axed in 2009.
Tom Waddell RP – This name becomes much more epic if you understand that Tom is the name for a male turkey and the wattle is the bright red dangly thing on a turkey’s neck. DO NOT do an Urban Dictionary search for “turkey wattle”.
Jerry Meals Umpire – Hey, we are all full, the tryptophan has set in…who cares if we miss a couple calls?! It’s a holiday!
Max Foody Top prospect – Every organization needs prospects. While his 11.57 ERA in 8 games in the Gulf Coast League last year might not scream promise, Max is an All-Thanksgiving Team rising star. Perhaps he would pitch better if he undid his belt.