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Crystal Balls

March 9, 2012

Sure, the Tigers seem poised to have an increadable year. But no one really knows what’s going to happen, right? WRONG. I have gazed deeply into my magical balls and divined the events of the 2012 regular season precisely.

  • The 5th starter spot will be occupied by no less than 5 pitchers throughout the year. There is not one candidate strong enough to put a strangle hold on the spot. It will be too tempting for Dombrowski to pull up the hot minor league pitcher to give it a try. These are young guys with options, it will be a revolving door. You thought I was bad last year? I wasn’t. Just wait.
  • Miguel Cabrera will be uniformly praised for his below average defense. It’s amazing how driving in runs creates latitude. He’ll make a really nice play with a bullet throw in game number 3. People will remember this for months and forgive him for his multitude of slow roller misplays.
  • Andy Dirks will hit a ball deep into the right field corner. He’ll assume it was caught and walk back to the dug out. Matt Joyce will casually throw him out at first base.
  • Justin Verlander will throw a goofy pitch that goes toward first base and picks off runner
  • Rod Allen will discuss eating sehr gut schnitzel with Herr Scherzer and will have to issue an apology the next day.
  • Fans will cheer Brandon Inge passionately
  • Fans will boo Brandon Inge lustily
  • The Tigers prepare to release Fu-te Ni, but reconsider at the last minute after considering the possibility of losing a quality bit at DesigNateRobertson.
  • Doug Fister will throw a 122 pitch no-hitter. In the aftermath Doug will have to answer 232 questions about Justin Verlander and his no-hitters.
  • Prince Fielder will hit a ball into the camera well in deep center. Tom Gage will estimate it traveled 711 feet.
  • After 30 games Delmon Young will lead the team in home runs and face meltingly hideous errors.
  • A fan will lean way over the wall along the 3rd base line trying to get a ball.  This will cause his pants to droop and his butt to be exposed which Cabrera will instinctively play like a set of bongo drums.
  • Rod Allen will re-popularize the catchphrase “Heavens to Murgatroyd!” when Danny Worth hits a walk off grand slam.
  • At Comerica Park Justin Verlander will strike out Adam Dunn 4 times in one game. No reporters will ask him about this unremarkable accomplishment after the game.
  • Alex Avila will bat .210 in April and after a talk with Rod Allen will switch to this bat:from there on out he will hit .325
  • Shannon Hogan will interview a fan who has no idea that he is at a baseball game and he’ll mutter incoherently into the microphone. Shannon will have no choice but to force a laugh and confidently proclaim, “back to you in the booth!”
  • Brandon Inge will hit .275 with 19 home runs while playing amazing defense at 2nd base to get serious consideration for the All-star game. He’ll end up in the final vote where the Tigers marketing folks will partner with the Braves candidate Jair Jurrjens to encourage people to vote for “Injens”. Confused Cleveland voters put them both into the game.
  • Jose Valverde will blow a save 20 games into the season after giving up a no doubt home run. Freep will feature “Mashed Potato” headline.
  • Men all over Michigan throw up as it is revealed that the 3rd Fox Sports Detroit Girl is really a Fox Sports Detroit dude.
  • Gene Lamont will do a terrific job as the third base coach and fans will respect him for his wisdom and sound judgement until the second game of the season.
  • Cabrera will be the subject of 48 post game interviews. Fans will understand 1.3% of what he says.
  • Samara at Roar of the Tigers publishes 3 different cartoons featuring Prince Fielder’s kids.
  • Gerald Laird will hit .179. No one will care.
  • Due to an increase in the number of returning military veterans there will be a special ceremony to take the game ball out of the box, a ceremony to bring the ball out of the dugout, a ceremony to bring it to the foul line, and a ceremony to bring it from the foul line to the mound. Fans will stand and vigorously applaud each stage of the ball’s journey.
  • Tigers win 95 games and cruise to the division championship. Royals finish 12 games back. Bill Simonson bitches then entire season claiming that with a proper manager and good lineups we should finish 25 games ahead.
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7 Comments leave one →
  1. March 9, 2012 9:40 pm

    The butt bongos made me shoot Diet Mountain Dew out my nose. It was worth it.

  2. Baroque97 permalink
    March 10, 2012 9:05 am

    Brain, I think you stole some of those from previous seasons. I swear they have already happened. :)

    Nice work as always.

  3. jkl permalink
    March 12, 2012 9:40 am

    If he walk back to the dug out is out. No need for a throw

  4. jkl permalink
    March 12, 2012 9:42 am

    Delmon Young leads MLB in assisatances since 2007. He has a powerful arm

  5. Mr. Sunshine(BYB) permalink
    March 12, 2012 11:38 am

    I am all ready to vote Inge for 2B All-Star this year. Assuming he can hit his body weight anyways.

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  1. Revisionist History « Brain Matters

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