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Xmas Factor

November 21, 2011

Santa doesn’t exist. Yeah, I said it. He’s like a backup catcher that can hit his weight or sex with a Fox Sports Detroit Girl — it exists only in our imagination. That means you have to drag your ass out of bed at some forsaken hour of the morning and stand in line with a bunch of mouth breathers at Walmart and buy some shit. Or even worse yet, since society has gotten such a boner for early shopping, stores are opening on Thanksgiving night.  You haven’t even licked your wounds from the latest Lions loss before you are out filling your cart with any piece of garbage that people seeming to be clustering around.

Why do we do this? Because we love our family and friends, that’s why. What’s that you say? You have someone on your shopping list that you don’t give two squirts of piss about? Perfect! Cross them off your list completely and add someone you truly have affection for – a Detroit Tiger.  That’s right, stick it to creepy uncle Roger and show your favorite Tiger you care.  So as you head out to brave the retail battlefield, here are some Tigers gift ideas.

Many of the items are clickable in case your are dying to see the details

Alex Avila

Take pill, catch entire game, repeat

Ramon Santiago

Razor Ramon

Will Rhymes

Everyone needs inspiration

Brad Penny

I know you think Brad’s not worth a shit, but I think at least some piss would be nice.

Daniel Schlereth

Worth a shot right?

Brandon Inge

I tease because I love

Doug Fister

Al Alburquerque

I can call you Betty

Jose Valverde

This game was based on a Valverde post game interview.

Austin Jackson

Stick to what you are good at.

Victor Martinez

Say it with me, “awwwwwwwwww”

Brennen Boesch

Probably some male readers of this blog could use one of these too.

Don Kelly

There is no need to fear…

Miguel Cabrera

*Trophies not included

Jhonny Peralta

Jhonny’s mom loves this game.

Ryan Raburn

Can’t argue with back to back to back AAU championships

Gene Lamont

Just trying to help.

Andy Dirks

Homedics NMS-350 Shiatsu Neck Massager with Vibration and Heat

I don’t know if it comes in XXL, but it’s worth checking into.

Magglio Ordonez

Carlos Guillen

Gerald Laird

“Money, Money, Money, Money What’s happenin’?” – Nelly, Batter Up

Justin Verlander

2011 Mercedes-Benz SLS AMG with Gull Wing doors. MSRP $183,000

Justin specifically mentioned this car on the Dan Patrick show, so don’t be a disappointing cheapskate.

Rick Porcello

gotta keep the ugly ones away somehow

David Pauley

Danny Worth

Too aspirational?

Duane Below

Damn right. In a terrible grammar kind of way.

Delmon Young

and OBP

Max Scherzer

These are less disconcerting than looking into his eyes.

Joaquin Benoit

Joe Girardi will make you go through these.

Jim Leyland

Mike Ilitch

HAPPY SHOPPING!

PS. Amazon now thinks I’ve had a mental breakdown. Perhaps I have.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Baroque97 permalink
    November 22, 2011 5:10 pm

    If this is the result of a nervous breakdown, then more people should have broken nerves. All these ideas are hilarious. :)

  2. November 25, 2011 12:49 am

    You have no fear! Penny, Miggy, and Pauley were seriously top notch. On a side note I think it is cool the way you charge out of the bullpen. It sets a tone, like I’m in charge and I’m not fucking around.

Trackbacks

  1. Xmas Factor – 2012 Edition « Brain Matters

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